A Frustrated GH Fan's Fairy Tale

Once upon a time in a kingdom called Los Angeles, there lived a man named Robert Guza. Guza was a prince, though he had some dreadful qualities that were suppressed by his love for a beautiful yet unnamed woman barely appearing in this story. Ah, Guza was so happy in love. His beloved was everything sweet and kind but - as often happens in fairy tales - a dark wizard placed a curse on the woman. The child born of Guza's great love (or maybe his mother - but definitely a woman somewhere near him) was a twisted, sickly little thing. As women sometimes do, Guza's beloved became devoted to her offspring. She took the small, almost unheavenly creature to doctor's appointments and cooed over the unsmiling thing to help it take less pain during its short period on earth.

Guza was enraged! How could a woman love that sightless and hideous small person more than him! How could he be so neglected! Guza transformed from a handsome prince into an angry festering wound of a man. He watched The Godfather to cover up the sounds of his beloved's betrayal, growing more and more obsessed with the power a good gun may bring. Eventually, he tossed the ungrateful mutt out in a fit of pique! He was enraged, abandoned...and never again would he love. No, he was as strong and cool as a hitman. He had taken his problems to the mattress.

Now Guza is transformed into a formidable he-man woman-hater who exacts his revenge on the one thing he could never take from his beloved - her love for General Hospital. Guza struts in front of a giant poster in his office with all the characters and all the stories he megomaniacally controls. He peruses the Internet and as soon as he sees happiness in the hearts of any female, he marks the board with a horrific red 'x'. He will kill, kill, kill all the females who he is certain have betrayed their men through love of....*gasp*.... children. Women stroll in and out but are little more than bedmates for the Fortress de Guza. His relationships change faster than gas prices in southern California. Love is a myth. There is only loss.

Oh what a sad tale to tell! Will there ever be hope for this beauty turned beast? Will it happen before we are all subjected to the unexpected aging of Michael? Or, worse, before Jason sleeps with anyone he's been paired with while forgetting the birthday of his only child? I think not. This is a tale of fairy tale horror and it will unfold before your very eyes. Oh - rue the day that Guza was betrayed! Hear these words - all women will pay!


Finished catching up. Noticed that we are in the midst of yet another "woman loves child more than man" storyline and felt Guza's pain. Cried for him. Felt for him. Hoped he would get a therapist really soon and get over it so he could write us a decent love story.

In the meantime, I'm so in "awww" over Gigi and Rex on OLTL. If you need a good love-fix go and watch them in all their angst. I didn't know I'd love Gigi when she was introduced - her acting was not-so-stellar but she's just perfect as the slightly rough & rumble girl from the sticks who is driving Adrianna to become her conniving mother's daughter.

I made it through almost half today

For the first time, I don't like Jason. I'm glad he's suffering. I'm so mad at him that I grumble through all his scenes. May the depth of his heartbreak drive him to repentance. May it heap upon him in big, miserable, gut-wrenching doses. The louse. The traitor. Filth! Garbage! He had love and he threw it away! Threw it away like garbage. And that's what he is. So bow to him! Bow to the King of Garbage, the King of Putrescence.

It's amazing how much of The Princess Bride I can quote. I didn't google a word of the above. And, while I did it mostly because it was funny, I feel that way. Jase - for the first time in years - I say you earned this life. So, live it, dude. You could have had something lovely and you chose garbage. You stink. Yeah, I said it. I can smell you from here, fella.

Well, at least Diane and Alexis were great yesterday. I like Diane and Max - not great romance but just plain funny. I would love to see more Diane and Alexis, Maxie and Spinelli, and Quartermaine manor just for the sheer comic relief during a season of hating on Jason. I'm sure everyone remembers that Luke & Laura were as much fun for the caper as for the love story. Wouldn't it be fun to have some silly caper? Especially since I threw my hands in the air with hopelessness after Robin fell into bed with Patrick. Guza once again proves that romance is a long lost cause in the genre supposedly all about romance!

So, in summary, I hate Jason right now. I think that covers it. Oh, and everyone should watch One Life to Live. Rex and Gigi with Adriana turning eeeeevil - it's just soap fabulous. Yeah, you heard me GH. I'm cheating on you. Because Jason deserves it. Dumb, stupid Jason. Walk away from love ... force me to listen to a whiny Elizabeth speech....yeah, you hear me! Johnny is a better you than you'll ever be! Okay. That didn't make sense. I get this way when I'm moping.

I think you should give Johnny the gun and your blessing and get your butt over to your family before I come home from England...yeah, you heard me. You big, dumb jerk. What?! You gonna cry now? Oh - only about Michael. Not about your son. Well, you'll be sorry. You'll miss me. Don't come lookin' here for compassion. Nope that well done dried.

Big, stupid thug.

Port Charles and the Functional Dysfunctional Family

Shout-out to Allison and Lola et al....nice to see you....sorry it took me so long to say hello.

As I watched Johnny (I love Brandon Barash) interact with Claudia (I love Sarah Browne) and then watched Patrick & Robin (I don't love them but I would send them a Christmas card), I realized why the Quartermaines have died: they haven't been allowed to function in their dysfunction. That's the key to a really strong soaps family. They're a mess - but they sure do love each other.

I think it's funny to see the Zaccharas emerging. Now - granted - they have amazingly good actors giving really great portrayals. Johnny and Claudia have nailed sibling interaction - that strange sense of wanting to control what's out of control and none of your business but is your business...and all the guilt in between. And Daddy Zacchara has been joy, joy, joy from day one.

All that said, I'm sad for the Quartermaines. I'm sad they couldn't pull it together. I'm sad they lost their functional piece when Lila died - and I've always thought that could be resurrected with the right combination (See: character who enjoys painting, loves children, and is a quintessential maternal figure) but at present, the Quartermaines are fading from memory. Even Monica - in the midst of a HUGE storyline - is absent. She's discussed and mentioned - but absent in person.

I miss the Quartermaines. They kept me watching the show through some dull years. I remember the days when everyone ended up at ELQ or wandering around the mansion. And I want the clan saved. I do. I want to enjoy them as much as I enjoy Johnny and Claudia because the Quartermaines are great comic intervention, great drama, and always make me grateful I didn't have to live in Port Charles.

So, much love to Garin Wolf (yes, I plan to mention his name in every post while he's around) for breathing life into the Zaccharas, bringing back Sonny's madness, loving Spinelli's mistaken everythings, and letting Jason look like he's in love....I wish there had been some genius in the genius for the Quartermaines.

Favorite moment of the week: Johnny asking Claudia "Are you on something? Have you thought about being on something?" Truly - the caring sibling attempted intervention followed by other sibling craziness - just lovely human interaction.

Least favorite moment: Diego is the killer??!! Sell. Out. Serial killers kill for no reason but power plays and the thrill (if Criminal Minds has taught me anything.) It was all more interesting when he was just killing hot chicks. But I give props to Sam - I do enjoy her when she's being kick-butt Angelina Jolie wannabe. But Diego? Really? *sigh*

Fingers Crossed Moment for next week (I've decided I'll start rumors rather than read spoilers...): Can Lucky and Sam get back together? Please...please....can he come to the rescue of someone? Please? If not him - then I'd love to see Spinelli. His private eye fantasies amuse me so much and a good save would fuel that fire.

If I close my eyes, will it end sooner?

They're kidding me, right?

We're not really doing who done it x 2, right? It's not possible. It's a level of ridiculousness that I can't fathom. So - we don't know who killed Emily, who the text message killer could be, who's the daddy of half the town....and now we have to play who struck Sam? I'll admit I was tempted but I seem to be the ONLY person not on the road that night. As if the mob, a serial killer, and a thoroughly inept police force weren't enough to make Port Charles the least safest streets in America...and that's before I complain about "who struck Sam" being the vehicle (pun intended) to break up Liason (again) and LuSam (who I love) in order to put JaSam and Luz back together....I'm so glad...I was afraid the characters would change, grow, and develop - do really wacky stuff like find out love can be found in unusual places....learn to forgive, be a family and support each other in new ways...sick idea isn't it?! Phew. Thank heavens all soaps are plot-based now so I don't have to go through the ordeal of emotional maturity!

That said....can you believe Carly and Sonny slept together again? They have the hottest sex. Oh, wait. That wasn't Carly. Massive flashbacks, eh? I've always loved Sarah Brown. I hope she has sex with Jerry next. That would be hot. Ewww...can you imagine her with Jax? Ick. (Side note: I kinda like the Kate & Jax stuff...is that awful of me? I just find her too vanilla for Sonny...and what's with the "I broke his heart" stuff - as though he's never had sadness before? Uhm....someone needs a shot of humble.) Maybe she could have sex with Lucky, too. Yum. Not Jason, though. I always thought they looked like brother and sister. Guess that means Johnny's off the market - and, dang, I wanted to see Brandon Barash....okay, moving on. Let's see, after Sonny, Jerry, and Lucky, she could give Mac a reason to grin...he needs a little somethin' somethin'. And then....oh, the plot? Did we need one? Why? Sarah + [insert hot guy] = sex-based ratings, baby (and requires no writer - double score!).

Ah. Criticizing GH makes a bad, emotional week a little more bearable. Especially when one has been accused of being complicated, dramatic, and difficult - GH is like coming home and kicking the dog.